The Hugeness

Yesterday's trip to Postojnska Jama was a lot of fun and yet another opportunity to face my fear of heights. The place was incredible, vast and just surreal. It was hard to believe we were standing in the middle of millions of years of rock formations, stalagtites that take decades to grow mere milimeters, there is no way to fathom it. We stared, mouths agape, in between the times when we would joke or our tour guide would quip about certain rock formations' similarities to items and creatures we knew in our daily lives. She'd shine her flashlight on a "bunch of hanging bananas", a "giant lizard", something more accessible to grab hold of to make this all make sense; it's funny how the brain demands that, simple bite size pieces so as not to overwhelm.

Alas, taking photos was prohibited and while I coulda totally gotten away with it, I didn't think mine would really top the thousands of great ones (like those above) taken by scores of pros over the years.

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With The Captain off from work for a few days, it was great to be able to just up and go on a whim like that. Of course, I really do have that option every day, as these days, my time is 100% my own. Projects I thought would be getting off the ground by now have not come together the way (and in the shorter time frame) I imagined. So I am more free than I've been in ages and frankly, it's a bit much.

I have been working consistently since I was 16, and I have come to the slow realisation that I like the way that a steady job structures your time. It is important to have places to be, tasks to accomplish, people to answer to. Years of working in mindless temp jobs turned me into a taskmaster, I can create lengthy to-do lists in the time it takes others to find a piece of paper and a writing implement. I can create work out of thin air, elaborate project ideas out of mindless quips, due diligence lists for the vaguest daydreams. I am worker, hear me roar. And so it is, that finding a job soon is moving up on my list of priorities. However, the questions now are the same questions I've had since college graduation what? where? with whom? what is my time worth? There has been no easy answer. I've worked for so many people that sometimes I forget until I pull out an old paystub from a file or glance at an old email. Weeks and months of my life, gone forever and I don't remember it, and they don't remember me or my works.

Part of the plan of being here, in a new place with new opportunities and ample time to sift through them, would help me sort all this out. I am still very hopeful, but I must admit, the hugeness of it does overwhelm....I guess I better get on those bite size pieces...